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How Star Wars: The Phantom Menace Should Have Ended
Synopsis Transcript Intro begins with... Qui-Gon: Ugh! The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now, get out of here. Jar Jar: No no, mesa stay. Mesa comedy relief. Mesa bring farts and clumsy time. Qui-Gon: That won't be necessary. Jar Jar: Oh but it is. Tis demanded by the Gods it is. Qui-Gon: Very well. (sees a Droid of a speeder and pushes Jar Jar into the line of fire) Oops! The droid fires at Qui-Gon, who deflects the blaster bolts towards Jar Jar. He then deflects the last shot towards the droid, destroying it. Jar Jar is dead. Obi-Wan appears. Obi-Wan: Master, what happened? I sensed a great disturbance in The Force, and suddenly millions of voices cried out in relief. Qui-Gon: Yes, you did, my young apprentice. Yes, you did. Intro ends. We now begin with Queen Amidalla pleading her case to The Senate. Queen: The Naboo System has been invaded by the Droid Army of The Trade Federation. Everyone gasps. Trade Federation Senator: I object! There is no proof! Queen: Actually, there is, like, so much proof. (activates surveillance footage) Here is a recording from our ship's camera of The Federation's attempting to kill us during the invasion. And here is a private message from one of my advisors being held in a prison camp. (plays message) Advisor: The death toll is catastrophic! You must contact me! Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon now appear. Queen: And also there are a TON of witnesses, two of which are Jedi. Obi-Wan: I can assure you what the Queen says is true. Palpatine: WELL, HOLY CRAP, YOU GUYS! THIS ENDS NOW! SEND REINFORCEMENTS IMMEDIATELY! Um... Yaaaaaaay... Cut to Naboo. Darth Maul looks up to face... The entire Jedi Order. Darth Maul: Aw, dang! (runs for his life) Cut to the aftermath. Everyone attends Qui-Gon's funeral. Yoda: Always two, there are. A Master and an apprentice. Mace: But which was destroyed, the Master or the Apprentice? Then suddenly...! Darth Maul: MASTER! Darth Maul hops in, minus his lower torso. Darth Maul: Oh, Master, I'm still alive! It's soooooo painful but I'm still here! At last we will reveal ourselves, right?! At last we'll have revenge?! Palpatine: (nervously) Eeeeeeerrrrrrrr, I don't know this person. (runs off) Darth Maul: Aw, come on, man! Obi-Wan: How are you still alive? Darth Maul: I was saved by a bunch of fans. Yoda: Hmmm. Convenient, that is. Everyone is agreeing. Darth Maul: I know, right? Silence. Anakin: What will happen to me now? Qui-Gon: YOU GUYS ARE TOTALLY RUINING MY FUNERAL!!!! The End. Or this should have happened... Cut to Obi-Wan hanging onto his life with Darth Maul standing at the edge, watching. Darth Maul: It's over, Obi-Wan. I have the high ground. Obi-Wan concentrates. Qui-Gon's lightsabre rattles. Darth Maul: (catching on) Don't try it. Obi-Wan tries it. He pulls himself up with The Force buuuuuuuut, once at Maul's level, Maul cuts Obi in half. Obi-Wan: (falling to his death) I IMMEDIATELY REGRET MY DECISION!!!!!! YouTube outro. Anakin is standing before The Jedi Council. Sock Puppet Yoda: Subscribe, you must. Hmmm? Anakin: O_O Yoda: Thanks to our guests, you give. Anakin: Master, did you suddenly look different? Yoda: Difference leads to Blu-Ray. Blu-Ray leads to 3D. 3D leads to online streaming. Anakin: What's that got to do with anything?! Yoda: Get out! Category:Episodes